The Love Formula

The LOVE Formula (previously DDEM)_February 2022.png

Step 2: Where did it come from?


The Theory:

Our relationship patterns come from two places:

  • We learn + copy (family)

  • We experience + believe + act (trauma)


The Journaling Prompts:

  • My family environment was...

  • My parents were...

  • In my family, I was...

  • As a child, I was...

  • As a teen, I was...


Your Beliefs about Yourself:

  • Did you experience something troubling, or even traumatic, when you were young?

  • What did it cause you to believe about yourself?

  • How did it cause you to act towards others? How did it cause you to act towards yourself?

  • If you didn't have this belief, and you could delete it and replace it with a new one, what would that new belief be?
    e.g. "I'm not good enough" could become "I am worthy and loveable exactly as I am."

  • What other kind and supportive words can you say to yourself?
    (ProTip: these are usually the words you want others to say to you, e.g. "You did really well today" or "I'm really proud of you.")

  • How will you say these words to yourself?
    - Write out these words in a journal
    - Say them to yourself silently (in your mind)
    - Speak these words out loud while looking into a mirror
    - Record these words on a voice note on your phone and listen to it
    - Set the affirmation as a pop-up reminder on your phone
    - Print all the beliefs out as a list and look at them before you go to bed or as soon as you wake up (our brain is in theta before/after sleep... beliefs go in much easier)
    - Post-its on your mirror or in your car (if this is a safe place where nobody else can see them)


Your Beliefs about Love & Relationships

  • What did you witness between your parents in your family home? Were they happy or unhappy? Did they have a heathy relationship with each other, or not? Did you see your parents fight/argue?

  • Imagine being a 6-year-old child witnessing this. What would they start to believe about love and relationships based on what they were seeing?

  • Take a look at these beliefs. What emotions come up for you? Feel them in your body. (if you need help, there is a bonus video training called 'How To Self Soothe' that leads you through this process)

  • Looking at these beliefs... can you link up these beliefs to your patterns in love? e.g. if you avoid love, does it match with a belief of "Love isn't safe" because you saw your parents fight with each other?

  • Close your eyes and imagine you are in your dream relationship. What beliefs would your Future Self have about love? Write down these beliefs.

  • These are the beliefs you need to lock in (and believe) to start having healthier relationships. How will you repeat these beliefs to yourself? See the examples above.